Just passing time.

Another month. I don't really even know if I'm trying to get pregnant. That's weird to think. If someone asks me, I say yes because I sure do WANT to be pregnant, but I'm not sure if I'm actively trying. If that is confusing to you, join the crowd (of me). Here's what I'm thinking now:

A little history:
After my ectopic pregnancy, I didn't really cry. I don't feel like in my case it was the same as a miscarriage. What I had never could have grown into a baby where it was. But I didn't deal with my emotions, which I'm finally realizing were the same. I had all the same hopes and dreams for my life and my baby and for finally being a mother. I only had them for a few weeks, but they were still the same. And I was grateful just to be alive at that point because it was pretty scary to have emergency surgery. It wasn't until 6 months later that I really cried over it all and acknowledged my loss. I was too afraid to try, though, for several more months. And when I finally accepted again that I was ready to have a baby, I was already pregnant! The good Lord knew and answered my prayers before I even knew to ask.

That is where my Evie came from. I wish it could happen like that again.

Fast Forward to (almost) Now: 
Evie just turned three. The fall before she was two, I TRIED. I WANTED. But I knew something wasn't right. I don't exactly know how I knew this, but I went to the Dr. and he tested my thyroid. Yikes! I had hypothyroidism. For those who don't know, the short of it is that the regulator of my body temperature, hormones, metabolism, etc. wasn't producing the body chemicals I needed to keep me healthy. And all of that was affecting my ability to get pregnant.

I took time to get my hormone levels balanced, which took a few adjustments. And when I was finally leveled off.... I still didn't try.

Oh, I've charted my 3 signs of fertility, followed my morning body temperature, all of that. But I'm not doing it now. I think I'm afraid to want it too much. I'm also afraid that something will be wrong. That my weight (I gained after the ectopic and again after delivering Evie, and again before the hypothyroidism meds... you see the trend) or my hypothyroidism or something like that will be an actual fertility problem. Plus, I thought things were getting better but a couple months ago it got all wonky again. So.

If I want, and it doesn't happen, I stress my body and my emotions and that makes it even harder for it to happen and I already have half as many chances (i think?). So if I casually just... think about it sometimes, that's better, right? I'm NUMB to the want and the fear. Which is good, I suppose, except that it keeps me from doing absolutely everything I possibly could to get pregnant. It's a dangerous cycle.

And I know I'm not dealing with something when my throat tightens as I write this, and when I don't allow myself to gush over my neighbor's baby, or when I didn't want to really talk about her pregnancy. (she had her third at the exact same time as i had evie, and now she's already been pregnant and delivered her fourth and here i am still.... not.) *shrug

I often think about giving Evie a sibling, about names, about life with 2 instead of 1. I think about what I'd do for delivery, about everything really except the hardest part. Actually getting pregnant.

I'm not sad. Denial has the wonderful side effect of allowing you to be positive. :) I'm focusing on living a healthy life, making wise choices, following the Word of Wisdom, eating more veggies, and finding the spiritual connection between body, spirit, and health.

But on the *trying to get pregnant* front, I say 'oh, the Lord knows the best timing' which may or may not be a cop out. I suppose I'm not truly trying, I guess I'm just... passing time.

A Note from my Body (via C.Jane)

I read a beautiful post on C. Jane's blog yesterday. Have you met her yet? I was hit with kind of an 'aha!' moment- or not really an aha, but more of a 'totally!'.
   Here is an excerpt of what she wrote, but you really should just read the whole thing here. I'm just sharing my favorite bits.

She talks about going on an early morning walk and reaching the top of a hill with a view of the valley.


I stopped and listened to the drumming of heartbeats in my ears.
That's when my body started talking to me.

You've got to trust me.

When I am hungry I will tell you.
You'll hear it in chambered echos, grumbles and moans.
DON'T FEED ME, until you hear my call.
[...]When I am anxious I will tell you.
Your heart will beat fast, your breath will struggle to leave the lungs, and you might feel full of fire.
DON'T FEED ME, instead sit down and fight for those breaths, let the oxygen pour into you--clearing the veins and vessels, close your eyes, identify the fear that is squeezing you.

When I feel depressed I will tell you.
There will be a significant lack of energy, a slumpy reaction to bed-leaving, my mind will slow down and thoughts will become like black puffy clouds.
DON'T FEED ME, instead fill your head back up with new thoughts, ideas from books and discussions. Replace the dirty fuel in your mind with clean energy.

When I feel stressed I will tell you.
Like rubberbands squeezing around your cranium, your head throbbing, your stomach turning, your muscles tightening.
DON'T FEED ME, instead write it all out, everything you are feeling, look over the list and examine.
[...]When I need exercise I will tell you.
Your legs will ache to be walked, your back will beg to be stretched, your heart will ask to be throbbed.
DON'T FEED ME, walk me. And don't exercise me until I say so, please, or we will battle.

When I feel lazy, content, competitive, peaceful, overwhelmed, snippy, snappy, hot, cold, tired, frustrated, thirsty, full, beaming and bright I will tell you.
DON'T FEED ME, none of these sentiments require food. Excess surplus will have to be stored. I will have to makemore of us--human shelves in rolls and lumps--to organize the overflow intake. Don't make me do that, please. There are babies to feed, children to squeeze, a husband to kiss. Right now, we don't have a lot of steam to become a storage facility as well.

But when I feel hungry I will send you a message of emptiness of stomach, dizziness of head, a sensation in your mouth extending into your throat that reads, I NEED FOOD, PLEASE DON'T STARVE ME.
Then, feed me.

Isn't that lovely? My eyes widened as I read the truths of what our bodies try to tell us. And when I read about our bodies not wanting to make more of us, make us into a storage facility- well, I pursed my lips and sighed and found myself nodding. Did you?

Lately I've been trying to come to a spiritual understanding of what it means to take care of my body. To choose wisely what I give it for energy and also what I give it for pleasure. To follow the Word of Wisdom in what I interpret as wholesome, back-to-nature foods and sensible choices.

And, of course, as it is the end of the term and I am feeling overworked and sluggish and taken advantage of (*rant on students and late work being kept to myself, mostly), I recognize my urge to stop by McDonald's on the way home for a treat and an excuse to show myself a little appreciation.

I don't spend money on myself. I don't buy myself nice things. I don't eat out without my husband because it feels like taking our money for myself. I don't take time for myself to do nothing or better yet something I take great pleasure in because I don't get everything done in a day as it is. If the work isn't done (and it NEVER will be) how can I play? (note: this doesn't mean i work all the time, by any means. i guess i just end up wasting time because i need a break but feel like i don't deserve to do something truly fun???)

So a Startling truth for myself, from my body:

When you feel overworked and under appreciated,
when your head aches and your eyes burn and your shoulders are burdened by responsibility,
DON'T FEED ME! Instead, give yourself some time. Time to appreciate something you love, to appreciate yourself, to relax and unburden. Reward yourself with time.

March Goals

Rather than yearly resolutions (that are more like suggestions, really) I like the idea of just giving myself a FOCUS each month.  I have a lot of habitual goals this month- 1 daily, 2 weekly, and 2 month-long- but I like the variety and I'm really hoping that cultivating a few good habits will affect the rest of my year. Not all of my goals will be meant to set up habits.

February was 'False Lash February' for me. I only wore them a couple times, but there were lovely and glamorous. The only problem for me is that by the end of the day they were a little droopy or unstuck~ I'll have to make sure I check them more often when I wear them again.

It's late now, and if I'm to get #4 up and running, I'd better sign out. But here's looking at a productive (and fun!) March.