Just passing time.

Another month. I don't really even know if I'm trying to get pregnant. That's weird to think. If someone asks me, I say yes because I sure do WANT to be pregnant, but I'm not sure if I'm actively trying. If that is confusing to you, join the crowd (of me). Here's what I'm thinking now:

A little history:
After my ectopic pregnancy, I didn't really cry. I don't feel like in my case it was the same as a miscarriage. What I had never could have grown into a baby where it was. But I didn't deal with my emotions, which I'm finally realizing were the same. I had all the same hopes and dreams for my life and my baby and for finally being a mother. I only had them for a few weeks, but they were still the same. And I was grateful just to be alive at that point because it was pretty scary to have emergency surgery. It wasn't until 6 months later that I really cried over it all and acknowledged my loss. I was too afraid to try, though, for several more months. And when I finally accepted again that I was ready to have a baby, I was already pregnant! The good Lord knew and answered my prayers before I even knew to ask.

That is where my Evie came from. I wish it could happen like that again.

Fast Forward to (almost) Now: 
Evie just turned three. The fall before she was two, I TRIED. I WANTED. But I knew something wasn't right. I don't exactly know how I knew this, but I went to the Dr. and he tested my thyroid. Yikes! I had hypothyroidism. For those who don't know, the short of it is that the regulator of my body temperature, hormones, metabolism, etc. wasn't producing the body chemicals I needed to keep me healthy. And all of that was affecting my ability to get pregnant.

I took time to get my hormone levels balanced, which took a few adjustments. And when I was finally leveled off.... I still didn't try.

Oh, I've charted my 3 signs of fertility, followed my morning body temperature, all of that. But I'm not doing it now. I think I'm afraid to want it too much. I'm also afraid that something will be wrong. That my weight (I gained after the ectopic and again after delivering Evie, and again before the hypothyroidism meds... you see the trend) or my hypothyroidism or something like that will be an actual fertility problem. Plus, I thought things were getting better but a couple months ago it got all wonky again. So.

If I want, and it doesn't happen, I stress my body and my emotions and that makes it even harder for it to happen and I already have half as many chances (i think?). So if I casually just... think about it sometimes, that's better, right? I'm NUMB to the want and the fear. Which is good, I suppose, except that it keeps me from doing absolutely everything I possibly could to get pregnant. It's a dangerous cycle.

And I know I'm not dealing with something when my throat tightens as I write this, and when I don't allow myself to gush over my neighbor's baby, or when I didn't want to really talk about her pregnancy. (she had her third at the exact same time as i had evie, and now she's already been pregnant and delivered her fourth and here i am still.... not.) *shrug

I often think about giving Evie a sibling, about names, about life with 2 instead of 1. I think about what I'd do for delivery, about everything really except the hardest part. Actually getting pregnant.

I'm not sad. Denial has the wonderful side effect of allowing you to be positive. :) I'm focusing on living a healthy life, making wise choices, following the Word of Wisdom, eating more veggies, and finding the spiritual connection between body, spirit, and health.

But on the *trying to get pregnant* front, I say 'oh, the Lord knows the best timing' which may or may not be a cop out. I suppose I'm not truly trying, I guess I'm just... passing time.